Once upon a time, there was a Sunday morning ritual I loved to indulge in.  

See, I’d generally spend the weekends with my boyfriend – he lived much closer to the entertainment part of the city than I did, so it made complete sense – at least in the eyes of this early-twenties chick to spend Friday night and all day and night Saturday being closer to the clubs and bars.  Staying over and NOT driving made a ton of sense.  

Sunday mornings were extraordinary. He had the most interesting friends, and every weekend, at least four of about eight would converge to read a gigantic stack of newspapers, drink exotic fresh-pressed coffee, and debate the news of the week.  

I was fascinated by listening to a group of individuals with very different opinions on everything. Who spent at least four hours together every Sunday and debated endlessly. Occasionally, someone might slam the table and swear. But for the most part, all the guys (and it was all guys and me) had tremendous respect for each other and did not view any opposing opinion as tantamount to the beginning of World War 3.  

I enjoyed those Sunday morning rituals because they fed into my obsession with watching and understanding people. Four cups of high-test coffee guaranteed I would stay awake even during the boring sports parts.  Fast-forward a few decades, and I fear we don’t seem to do much of this as a society anymore.  

What’s changed?  

Well, here in Canada, it’s now legal to smoke weed in public. And today’s music will never measure up to that era’s head-banging heavy rock and roll. The best high-test exotic coffee is now marketed under ‘Fair Trade.’ Oh, and newspapers have shrunk in size.  

The worst part, though, is that we’ve all become quite opinionated and prefer to stay within our comfortable silos of like-minded thinking. In real life, texting seems preferable to conversation. Far too many of us have become divisive and dismissive. And we’ve lost our manners.  

I make the point about our manners for one simple reason.  

When we want to see and be the change we want in our world, the first place to begin is ALWAYS with ourselves. Oooof. And that is often a more significant issue than we’d like to believe. Because WE are never the problem, are we?   

Yet, if we want to see and be the change, there are seven skills we all need to acquire and learn or reacquire and relearn.

We need to practice active listening. We should genuinely listen to others without interrupting or formulating our response. We should understand their perspective, emotions, and underlying concerns.
We need to demonstrate empathy. Put ourselves in their shoes. Empathize with their experiences and feelings. Acknowledge that everyone has unique life journeys.
We need to seek common goals. Identify shared objectives. Even if we disagree on the path, finding common goals fosters collaboration.
We need to use bridge-building language. Identify that which bridges the gaps rather than deepens the divides—avoiding inflammatory words and phrases.
We need to focus on facts. It’s so much easier to base discussions on evidence and facts. Avoid emotional arguments or personal attacks. Reframe our thoughts to something closer to ‘in my opinion.’
We must acknowledge complexity. Nearly all issues these days are multifaceted. Solutions require compromise. The best compromise is when NO ONE gets everything they want. (Yes, it sucks to lose or not win everything.  Yet it feels great to meet somewhere in the middle and know both sides did their best.)
We can learn from each other. If we engaged with curiosity instead of animosity, we’d be more receptive to diverse perspectives and acknowledge and learn even when we don’t entirely agree.

See what I mean about manners? Every single one of the seven ideas is about us taking the first steps toward getting along better.  

They all start with better stewardship of ourselves.  

Something the gang understood in those early years, but something that seems to be disappearing more and more quickly these days.   Imagine how much less stress we’d all have if we tried for one or two days not to win every argument, avoided the frivolous, and did not care about being the righteous or justified party.  

Good stewardship starts with us. An easy place to begin is with our manners.