Let’s do something wildly different and wickedly amusing.

Have you noticed all the anti-, pro-, and just-be aging statements we use in our lingo? I sure have. And boy, is it confusing.

Mid Life. Halfway from where to where? Middle-aged – sounds like a tire – well worn with some life remaining. Senior. Ready for discounts AND the compost pile.

The whole game of numbers. Fifty is the new Thirty. Seventy is the new Fifty. This is particularly well suited for those of us who abhor arithmetic.

Distinguished. Any male with grey hair and wrinkles. Lacklustre. The female version of Distinguished.

Invisible. Unnoticed by the advertising community – a term generally applied to all people over the age of thirty.

Ageist. At first, this applied to anyone over 50. Nowadays, it applies to every age group, with particular grumpiness coming from those over 70.

Anti-aging. I declare war against getting old.

Pro-aging. I accept that I have to accept it, AND I don’t like what is happening to my carcass.

So,
To make our lives easier and our age more of an attitude and, naturally, to bring even more confusion into the world, I am unveiling my very own two cents worth. I am redefining the decades with more opaque language and adding some gradations for all to use as we see fit, because this is a collective effort to redefine aging in a way that resonates with all of us.

Because there’s no sense wasting energy on rages or rallying against all the cages that have been artificially constructed, it’s much easier to smash the walls and redefine everything more to our liking.

To be clear, this is done entirely tongue-in-cheek and does not resemble you or anyone else I may know. In other words, please don’t come at me about how I did or did not exactly cover you.

Behold a new list for you to peruse and naturally improve upon.

The Teenagers.
No change here. It is descriptive and self-defining.

The Innocents.
The 20s The only time our bodies, brains, and attitudes are fresh, nubile, perky and relatively unsullied.

Responsible Level One.
The 30s The decade of firsts. Marriage, family, promotions. We have both big and no decision days. AND, both big and no paycheque days.

Responsible Level Two.
The 40s We are squarely in the years of teaching, bossing, caring, and growing, our colleagues, employees, kids, parents, spouses, and selves.

Baby Elders.
The 50s WOW. We finally grew a brain — according to our mini humans. When did that happen? Now, where did our (insert body part/thoughts/keys) go?

Elders In Training.
The 60s Whoa. There is so much to do, so little time (while mind and body behave) left, and so much to say.

Elders.
The 70s Give me some respect, damn it. I’ve seen more, done more and been more than you’ll ever know.

Senior Elders.
The 80s I might be slowing down, but you still can’t pull one over me. I know what I know, and you’ll never change me.

The Sages.
The 90s Whomever of us gets in nine decades plus of good living deserves the title. Full Stop.

The Emeriti.
100 plus. Emeritus is a term of respect given to a retired professional, most frequently a professor. Enough said.

Yes, of course, there are many levels to being an elder. The term elder fits MORE than half the population, and it’s genderless, limitless and quite respectful.

If we adopt such a list, I’m quite optimistic we can live together more peacefully and without judgment. About ourselves and others.

After you finish laughing or sighing, let me know how you’d improve these definitions. I promise I’ll share the best ones. And who knows, your perspective might just change the way we all look at aging.